The poop post.

Haven't been writing my intended one post a day since I sunk my teeth into a "proper" writing gig, a book to be exact. I might write about that process in future posts as it's taking a huge chunk of my life now and I have a lot to say about that too.

But before that, it's time for a Blake post.

I don't think I've written about poop yet, so here it is: The poop post. And I can write it now able to look back at thirteen months of poop.

Blake was born 411 days ago. Assuming I changed four diapers a day, it means I did 1,644 nappy changes in a little over a year. Sure, my husband helped with quite a few of them, but take into account that the first few months had as many as eight diapers a day and the fact that I'm the main diaper changer, the number should be still quite close, probably a bit higher. Now, Blake didn't poop every day, but almost. So roughly one diaper in five was poopy. That's 328.8 poopy diapers (I wouldn't want to be the one handling that dirty 0.8 diaper!). Again, the number is probably higher as there were times where Blake pooped more than once a day.

(In a few years time when Blake goes through this blog's archives I bet he's going to LOVE reading about his papa talking about his pooping habits. Don't be embarrassed Blake, we all poop!)

Before the birth, changing poopy diapers (sounds better than saying shitty) was one of the things I dreaded. I didn't need to, really. I had two Great Danes and they poop BIG. Having to scoop after them or clean an explosive diarrhoea (as they say, shit happens) off the kitchen floor and cupboards has prepared me for the worst of it. There was nothing Blake could do with his poo to faze me. Even when he did his world famous double-poo in his early days (tip: if your baby just finished pooping - WAIT BEFORE YOU UNPACK. He might not be done yet!)

Now he's thirteen months, walking and running. He's really still a baby, but he's looking more and more like a little boy with every passing day. So it's quite odd to suddenly hear grunts from the hallways, come over and see him standing on all four, his bum in the air, pushing and grunting.

The day has come.

We're ordering a potty from the Babies R Us website.

To be continued!

--Mickey

Bedtime Stories

Blake has been sleeping through the night from two months and ten days. Even though he was our first child we knew how lucky we were. He was still occasionally a handful during the day, but at least I could once more sleep through the night.

The fragmented sleep was certainly the worst thing in the those first two months. Inconsolable crying came a close second. Of course often you would have your sleep disturbed because of inconsolable crying and get a fantastic combo.

Getting up in the middle of the night from Blake's hungry screams, I had to scrape myself out of bed, change him and warm up the bottle on auto-pilot with my eyes half shut. When I was finally done feeding him I would be completely and utterly awake. Not enough energy to do anything worthwhile, but too awake to fall back asleep. That was when I fell back into playing World of Warcraft (a bad habit I kicked since, hopefully for good) and watch various movies and TV shows.

So it was a delight when Blake started sleeping through the night. But somewhere along the way, I'm not even sure at exactly what point (Eight months? Nine?), Blake would scream his head off every time I would try to put him to bed. The look of terror and betrayal in his eyes would tarnish what could have been a wonderful day spent together. He would make me feel like a real bastard for sticking him in bed and walking away. It didn't matter if I tried singing to him or put the lullaby music on. I was Darth Vader. Often he'd fall asleep within a minute or two, but sometimes he would cry for up to fifteen minutes, getting into a frenzy and I would have to take him out and give him another thirty minutes or so to roam free and really get tired.

And now, about a week ago, just before Blake turned thirteen months, the most amazing thing happened. He stopped crying. He would just turn to his side and be ready to zonk out. Absolutely amazing. Putting him to bed and walking away without being accompanied and haunted by his screams... Heaven. Not sure why it happened, though.

The fact that he can now walk, practically run, probably has a lot to do with it. He tires himself much more. But at the same time I also decided to give him a little nighttime routine. Up until recently we would just let him roam free and do whatever he wanted and come ten o'clock (forget putting him to bed any earlier) we would just lift him, disturbing whatever activity he was doing, and stick him in bed. I can see how that can be a bit jarring. If someone did that to me I don't think I would be that happy about it either. I did try reading him stories, but he is too young to show interest. He would usually listen for a few seconds and then smack the book out of my hands or try to eat it. He is also getting into turning pages in books nowadays. It doesn't matter what else, it's all about the page turning action.

A few days ago I edited all the video tapes I had of Blake so far. I wanted to fit the first year into seven minutes with the Jeff Buckley version of Hallelujah playing in the background. It turned out quite well if I do say so myself. So that what Blake watches every night now just before going to bed. It works wonderfully. He sits on my lap and we watch it on my computer. As soon as it starts he immediately goes limp and relaxed. He sees himself, the people his love, his home, his dogs, his toys. The music is very soothing. As soon as it's over I just take him to bed. So far, almost a week and he hasn't protested once.

It works for now and that's all I care about. What will happen next we'll see. I suppose eventually this will transform into bedtime story time when he is ready.

Now the only problem is little Dexter. Our excitable little pup needs to be taught NOT to bark late at night outside of Blake's room and wake him up screaming...

--Mickey

Where did my baby go?

Ever since my son was born I was eagerly awaiting the next milestone. Quite frankly, the first few weeks were quite boring. It was amazing to hold him in my hands and look at him, but that was pretty much what I got to do (other than feeding, washing, changing etc.).

Each new milestone just gave me appetite for more. Suddenly he was smiling, laughing, sitting up, crawling, walking a few steps. Waiting for the changes felt like forever and a new milestone sneaked up on me when I least expected it.

Not anymore. Only three weeks ago he started walking, three steps at a time and then falling back on his bum where he felt safe. Every single day I could see a change. Walking a bit longer, a bit faster, a bit more confidently. Yesterday we went to the park and for the first time, rather than me carrying him around to various attractions, he was walking all over the place on his own. Walking? Almost running.

Suddenly my baby is gone and there's this little boy who looks a lot like him. How long is he going to stick around? Suddenly I'm no longer in a hurry for the next few milestones. They can get here whenever he is ready. I am going to make the best out of every day, every moment.

--Mickey

Multi tasking

Doing college work in my small study. Blake is roaming the upstairs floor so I locked the gate. The dogs are lying in the landing and present an obstacle for Blake to overcome. Dexter comes over to say hi. Due to a double operation he had on his eye and ear he's wearing a big satellite dish on his head which makes him even more clumsy than before, knocking down anything in his way like a bulldozer.

Blake cries. I run over to find out he got his fingers pinched and stuck in the hinges part of the door to the toilet. Can't lock the damn thing. Fortunately no real damage and a few verses of Wheels on the Bus calm him down.

I have lots of work to mark for college for tomorrow's final assessment, so I get back to it. Thankfully I don't need the computer for that. Blake comes over and takes over the keyboard and mouse. He smacks the mouse and drops it. It's now dangling off the keyboard, swaying back and forth with a little glowing red light that fascinates Blake. He slaps it a few times and moves away. He walks over a pile of essays I left on the floor, gotta move them.

Gotta go and stop him. He picked up something he shouldn't. Maybe I'll finish marking the work once he sleeps!

--Mickey

Time flies?

One of the biggest lies most parents will tell you is that time flies. One second you are holding a newborn baby and suddenly he is in his thirties and has his own children.

That's simply not true. When I look back at my son's first year in this world, it feels like much more than a year, to the point that I seem to be able to only vaguely remember what my life was before Blake came along. When I see pictures of Blake at three months old, super chunky and unable to even roll over when lying down, it feels like years ago.

Thinking about him as a new born feels like a lifetime ago.

But here's the thing: It doesn't matter if time moves fast or slow. Once it passed, it passed forever and there is no going back.

Blake changed, literally, under my nose. It wasn't a case of him suddenly going "poof" at the end of every month, shedding his skin like a snake to reveal a new version. The change was constant and gradual. So without noticing it, several versions of Blake (all of which I totally adore) disappeared forever without even saying goodbye. Looking at some videos from the first year, a wave of nostalgia crashed on me. It was as if I just remembered an old friend I haven't seen for a long time and figured that maybe it is now a good time to pick up the phone and rekindle the relationship.

Only you can't do that with past versions of your child...

And now Blake is amazingly cute at one year and I know I'll miss this version so much once he moves on to the later stages. And certainly once he fords his teenage years towards adulthood.

When I first held my son in my hands I finally understood my parents in a way I never did before. Now that he is one and I have seen him go through all those changes I understand them even more.

That is how they see me. That is the first impression I made on them. My mom would tell me how she misses me as a baby and I thought she was just being silly. Oh, how wrong I was.

Twelve months old Blake is going to turn into thirteen months old Blake in less than two weeks, but in my heart there will always be a shrine dedicated for each one of those versions. The pictures, the videos, the blog writings, my memories... He's not going anywhere anytime soon.

--Mickey

Blake at one.

When I first met Blake he was a little lump of flesh that cried, ate and slept (peed and pooped goes without saying). It was not love at first sight, it started out as sheer awe and fascination. As he started growing and slowly developing his unique personality that was when I started to gradually fall in love with him more and more. Now at one year my heart is on the brink of bursting with love and yet I find the capacity to love him more and more every single day.

So at one year, who is Blake? What can I say about my son? How do I describe him to someone who never met him?

Blake is a wonderful creature. The first thing you notice about him is how gorgeous he is. I know all babies are the most beautiful to their own parents but with Blake I can safely state that he is objectively the most beautiful boy in the entire known universe. He has a heart-melting smile with eight beautiful pearly white teeth, one of which was chipped a little a few days ago in Barbados, but ended up only adding to his charm. He has soft flowing brown hair that glides perfectly into place at the slightest touch. Big gray eyes just complete the tiny little package of perfection.

Blake is an easy baby. I never had any other baby to compare, but I heard the war stories from other parents. Blake is a delight. He sleeps through the night since two months and one week with the odd exception for when he’s feeling off for whatever reason (teething being the most common reason - thank God for Calpol). He’s very good at keeping himself entertained with toys and by exploring the house. When we put him to bed he might cry for a couple of minutes, but will soon be out for the night. He’s well behaved at restaurants, though nowadays it helps if you distract him by placing him facing the door or window so he could watch cars passing in the street outside.

At one year he’s now off baby food altogether with the exception of formula. He eats whatever we eat: eggs, bacon, steak, chili, pasta, fruit, rice, fish, shrimp… Anything with the exception of small hard things he might choke on and extra spicy stuff. Medium spicy food makes him giggle. His spice tolerance is already higher than my husband’s… Liking adult food and being able to walk means that I can no longer snack or eat in front of him without sharing. Especially if I eat something sweet… Blake would come over, lean forward with his hands on my knees and get a silly little smile on his face, his eyes saying to me “go on, give me some”. I’d start putting bits of snacks in his mouth and his little smile will turn into a big grin as if to say “good stuff!”. This is actually good. Since I wouldn’t want Blake to snack too much, I’ll have to cut down on snacking myself now that he expects me to share. Well, it's far more likely that I'll just end up doing midnight snacking when he's asleep...

Blake loves watching Baby Einstein. He watches a program after every meal (unless he dosed off by the end of it and then he is carried up to his bed). By now he’s old enough to watch all of them, but he has his favourites. If he disapproves of a certain program he makes a lot of noise until it is changed. As soon as he finishes his food his highchair is turned towards the laptop in the kitchen and the fun begins. We travel with the laptop so Blake could watch his Baby Einstein wherever we are in the world. As soon as the show ends, during the credits even, the protest starts. Blake naturally dislikes sitting in front of a switched off screen. Sometimes, Windows being Windows, an application will launch itself to the front of the screen and interrupt the video, but Blake will be very resourceful at getting someone to come over quickly to sort it out for him. I tried showing Blake other cartoons: from classic Disney and Loony Tunes shorts to Dora and Diego. He shows interest in those, but it lasts only for a couple of minutes.

One of the coolest things Blake does is something I’ve seen no other baby do and I have no idea where he got it from. When he is excited by something, like a good Baby Einstein session, he makes an adorable pout and start twirling and twisting his little hands as if he dances some exotic east European dance. He’s being doing it from five months and I dread the sad day when he would suddenly stop doing it.
Blake been speed crawling for months now. He quickly learnt to stand up by pushing himself up using his hand and then to get up just using his legs. Just before our holiday in Barbados we made it very clear to him that if he doesn’t start walking before Barbados, he’s not coming. So he started walking just before we left. His record his twelve steps. He still feels more comfortable to crawl the big distance and then walk the last few steps, but it’s a step (ha!) in the right direction. The split between crawling and walking is now almost a 50-50 split and he walks faster and more confidently every day.

Blake doesn’t speak yet. At nine months he said “aba” and we wondered if it was the Hebrew (we speak it between us) word for daddy/ papa, or just a noise. We assume it’s just a noise and that none of his random sounds were actual words yet. His vocabulary so far includes “aba ababababa bwaaaa”, “eeeee” and “ppfffffft”. He loves razzing.

Since coming to London with us at three months, Blake always had two Great Danes with him (not the same two, sadly Kato passed away in February). So Blake must think that every baby has two giant dogs to hang out with. Leo is a bit jealous and wary of Blake and keep his distance. Dexter the-almost-seven-months-old-puppy is far more in sync in Blake and loves giving him big wet slurpy kisses. Blake, on his part, loves pulling and tagging at the dogs’ faces and crawling over them.
Like most babies, Blake loves going out. I take him in the stroller to Tesco for quick shopping or to our nearest playground where he adores the toddler swings. In Barbados we went splashing in the clear water twice a day, but alas that’s not an option in London. We’ll probably look for some nearby swimming pools, but after having your first ever dip in clear Caribbean water, nothing else is good enough, certainly not a mixture of chlorine and urine. Car rides are also welcome, especially now that he sits forward and has a better view.

Blake recently developed a fake cry. He would look and sound upset, but as soon as he got what he wanted or was efficiently distracted, he’d get a silly grin on his face.

What else? There must be a million other things. When Blake is contemplating he sucks his thumb and twirls his hair. He loves grabbing my hair and pulling or sticking his fingers in my mouth and scratch my teeth while he likes trying to eat Miron's nose. He can win wet t-shirt competitions when drinking from his sippy cup, but he’s perfect when drinking his bottle. He’s obsessed with phones, keyboards, gamepads and mice and would grab any as soon as he sees them (I wonder how many of our friends god international calls from Blake). He dislikes clutter and will throw every item off the table one by one. He knows how to hold a 360 controller properly and turn on the machine – or any other machine that is remotely operated for that matter. Dexter managed to destroy some of Blake’s toys, there’s a learning curve there… But Blake has repaid the dogs by taking over their big chunky rubber tire. He loves picking it up, standing up and then letting it fall to the ground, bounce and roll.

This can go on forever. If bothered to write all year I would’ve probably been able to expand on many of the things mentioned here in more detail. That’s what I’m going to do from now on. For all I know, Blake has already changed and some of the things I mentioned in this long post are probably no longer relevant anyway.

Stay tuned for more Blake!

--Mickey

Gayrenthood – Year 1

My son is now one year and two weeks old. That's how long I've been a papa.

I was looking forward to writing about my adventures as a gay parent, but as any regular follower of this blog (ha!) knows, the updates arrive less frequently than a decent Dreamworks animated feature.

The main reason is the simple fact that being a gay parent, at least in the first year, is a lot like being a non-gay parent - only gay.

Many exciting things have happened in the last year, but those are things that are only exciting for the child's parents and close friends. The first time Blake sat up on his own, then the first time he pulled himself up, then the first time he stood up just using his legs. The first few steps, vocalizing, holding his own bottle, using a sippy cup... Tons of little milestones that blow your mind away even though you know they'll happen. The thought that I'm going to have conversations with Blake soon still make my head spin.

But that's not very exciting to write about. Just look at my most most recent blog posts. Writing about Heroes, baby mobiles and my feeble attempts at creating self-published comics that will be read by five people (including myself).

The simple fact is, we have not encountered any real problems as a gay parented family - yet. Blake is still home all the time, taken care by either one of us or, rarely, babysat by some close and trusted friends. His encounters with the real world are restricted almost entirely to the playground and since I'm don't leave the house with a "Gay Dad" sticker on my forehead, it's not noticeable to the other parents. The only time we did point out that we're gay was when we went to visit a possible school for Blake and we were reassured it shouldn't be a problem and in fact we just found out he got in! Yay!

So even though it would have been far more "interesting" to write about our battles against discrimination, so far our parenting life has been quite easy. Please let it remain this type of “boring”.

But things will get more interesting now whether I like it or not. He's older now. He’s no longer a chunk of dough that pees, poops and eats – he’s a little boy. We'll start going to more places. He'll start going to day care in a few months. He'll start talking soon and with that come questions. Then it’ll start being more “interesting”.

If I won’t write it all down, I’ll forget the small little details. So from on I’ll try harder to write regularly. Hopefully Blake will supply me with a constant flow of anecdotes!

--Mickey

Heroes 3

Just watched the first two episodes of Heroes series 3.

I must say that I'm a little bit disappointed. It's beginning to be a bit like 24 in the same way that at first it was very exciting because there was nothing else like it on TV before, but after the first series the show is enslaved by its own formula, turning what once was an exciting innovation into a cliche.

Once again we get a glimpse of an apocalyptic future that must be prevented, a character disappears to find himself in a faraway place all alone, Sylar is hunting heroes to get their powers and get caught again (until his next escape), twist family relations between characters are revealed, characters die (but not really) and characters pop back and forth in time.

Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad. There are several exciting new plots, but they are all tied together by the same cliches. The name of the season, and one of the future visions, imply that it's going to feature a villains team up. The show hasn't been going on long enough to pull off something like that properly. It's something that would've worked better in series 5 or 6, which I'm pretty confident Heroes is going to reach. Still, it could be interesting.

My biggest problem is with the time traveling elements. They have played a major part in each storyline so far. It's very hard to write time traveling intelligently. If you go from future A to the past and change it into future B you will also change yourself. The you that exists in future B won't need to go back and change future A since it doesn't exist anymore, so if you end up not going back in time to change the future, then it'll still be future A after all. Confused? You should be. What's worse, the time traveling isn't even used in new ways. Once again we get glimpses of a future where the characters are darker due to some cataclysmic event or alternatively we see the world explode. Again.

The only plot that really holds my attention right now is Mohinder's transformation which could lead to some interesting subplots as long as it's not going to be a Fly ripoff (the actor is not entirely unlike Jeff Goldblum).

Another problem I have with the show is with the action scenes. Smallville doesn't feature the best storylines in primetime action dramas, but they very often have spectacular fight sequences that are almost good enough for the big screen. With Heroes even the season finales feel very cheep and underwhelming.

Obviously I do like this show, otherwise I wouldn't be writing so much about it.. It's always entertaining and addictive, but it can be so much more...

--Mickey

Writing comics... Again.

I've been writing and drawing comics ever since I learned how to write - probably even a bit earlier than that. I still have a few notebooks full of stories that for the most part I can't decipher nowadays. But the passion was always there. The best way to know what you meant to do as an adult is to look back at what motivated you as a child and adapt that into a practical job the best way you can.

From about the age of eighteen I also started trying to send submissions to various editors in Marvel, DC and other publishers. That makes it over a decade of trying to break into the comics industry. Admittedly, I wasn't ready right away. My first few pitches were written in terrible English (it's not my mother tongue and I only started using it on a regular basis when I moved to the UK at the age of nineteen) and were quite unimaginative and, quite frankly, crap. I got better with time, both as a writer and in my ability to attract the attention of editors and get them to listen to me. But getting close doesn't cut it.

I then decided to simply start making my own comics. Unfortunately I'm not a great artist. Fortunately, being on an animation degree course I made many lifelong friends who are. Together we created Cheese Comics (link on the side). We created some stories, printed them and sent them everywhere. It was disappointing that nothing came out of it, and looking back at these stories they weren't perfect. But they weren't bad either. They were certainly a great learning experience. Sadly those books led nowhere other than a few positive reviews and the fact that I got a proper job in the games industry led to me not writing any comics over the last few years. I did spend some time writing a movie script and a children's book, but neither made it. The movie script got enough positive reactions from various producers and studios to reinforce in me the notion that I am after all a good writer (nothing can crush an artist's self-esteem more than repeated rejection), but I was still not making money from it.

So now I'm going on another round. Being a stay at home papa for the next few months give me more time to write than usual as Blake is a very easy baby. So I'm writing three comics projects with three different artists and another movie script. I won't lie and say that I'm doing it just for fun. I hope one of these projects will be "the one". Comics-wise I'm writing a child-friendly slapstick comedy, super hero and action horror.

And it feels good. I like writing.

I'll be sure to post updates, sketches and previews as soon as we get stuff done.

Stay tuned!

--Mickey

The quest for a decent mobile.

One of the things that surprised me as a new parent is the fact that baby mobiles are so rubbish and useless. You're not asking much from a mobile: a selection of soothing melodies and a bunch of toys to spin around. There's a selection of small features you just expect to be there: volume control, a timer, on/off button.

This mobile lives up to its name. It really is poo.

The first mobile I bought was this Winnie the Pooh one. It looked quite grand and colourful so I overlooked the $59 price tag (Canadian dollars before tax). Surely it's a worthy investment. It had two tunes and a jungle ambiance, as well as a light and sound display, not to mention lovable Winnie the Pooh characters hanging off it. Bargain!

So what went wrong? The first thing we noticed was the low volume. The volume control allowed you to turn it from "is this thing on?" to "if I stick my ear to it I think can hear something." The next problem was the fact that the two musical options were essentially the same five seconds on an infinite loop. On the box they had the chutzpa to describe one of the options as "Classical music medley". The light and sound feature was actually nice and it came with a remote control which is a very nice touch.

But none of the good and bad things mattered when the mobile broke within a week. It started activating itself on its own which was not only annoying (and somewhat creepy) it was also killing the battery. I took off the soft toys and threw away the whole thing down the garbage chute.

Green Mobile: Powered by parental fingers.

We resorted to a little Winnie the Pooh mobile that came with Blake's Graco playpen. It was very simple, only one tune and no fancy light shows, but Blake loves it. The only problem, made worse by the fact that he loves it, is that you have to turn it on manually by winding it up and even then it last for only a couple of minutes which is never enough. I could forgive the lack of volume control if I could just had an on/off button.

The folding playpen didn't survive the return trip from a quick visit to LA (and ended up also going down the garbage chute), so we bought a new one which came with a similar mobile with three generic bears. On the plus side you didn't have to wind it up manually. On the minus side you couldn't turn it on at all! The three bears were just hanging there in the air over Blake's head. Even giving them a spin with your hands was futile as they came to a complete stop right away. it came with a box that had little lights on it and music options. All very unimpressive and even quieter than the original Winnie the Pooh mobile. Thankfully the windup mobile from the previous playpen fit this one as well so we still use it occasionally.

If this is a Happy Safari, why do all the animals try to commit suicide?

When we returned this week from Canada I went up to the attic to take stuff down that we bought before we left. I was delighted to discover a Happy Safari mobile. it looked really impressive on the box and I allowed myself to hope that maybe this time it will actually have all the desired features.

Well, no.

Such a shame. It's actually quite exciting with arms going up and down, three music options that don't grate as fast as you'd think, light effects and lots of interesting toys. Blake loves it and can lie on his back and dance to it for a long, long time.

So what's wrong with it? Where do I start? For one thing there is no volume control and this time the music is too loud. It's really distracting to anyone nearby and I'm not sure how good that volume is for babies (though Blake managed to fall asleep to it more than once). The toys hanging off it fall off easily with the smallest touch, which creates a hazard for the baby. And I have no idea who's the genius who decided to put the control panel facing the inside of the crib rather than the outside, as the baby can easily kick it in the middle of the night and activate it with blaring music (and a rain of toys).


My quest for the perfect mobile is over. I'll just have to accept the ones I have with all their flaws. How difficult it is to create a battery powered mobile that has a timer, on/off button, volume/mute control, toys that are secured properly, guaranteed not to break in a week, decent low/high volume range? Even better, one with an option to plug in your iPod and have complete control over the music. What can I say? I'm a dreamer.

--MB

Back home

I just realized my last post was the one announcing that I went back to playing World of Warcraft and then silence for a while... Well, I wasn't just playing WoW for all that time.

We came back to London at last. Toronto was great, but it was so good to be reunited with the dogs after over three and a half months and to introduce Blake, who's now well into his fourth month, to the doggies. We had a small pizza party on Sunday and got to meet some of our good friends who we've also missed.

Now "real" life begins. I have to take care of a three months old baby and two big Great Danes. That's quite a lot of work. We also decided that I should work from home for a while, and work for the next few months means writing and working on various projects (children's story/comic, movie script and other bits and bobs). I'm trying to settle into this new routine and have done quite well with that considering we only returned on Friday night and also still have lots of unpacking to be done with.

Do I miss game design? Very much. I also miss being in an office environment with some cool people to hang out with and chat to. But with that said I do look at things with rose tinted glasses. Not having office politics or bosses to answer to is always nice, not to mention no commute and an incredibly flexible schedule (which it has to be when you take care of a baby).

The dogs have accepted Blake very well. Old Kato is always good at adapting to change. Younger Leo was always a bit neurotic. Us being gone for nearly four months has only made him more clingy and needy and the presence of the baby made matters worse. Leo is used to being the baby and suddenly we're making funny noises to a new creature. Though he wasn't aggressive, he did bark a bit in distress first, but very quickly he calmed down when he noticed we still play with him and Blake is, after all, another human for him to love so he actually gets more love now. Blake enjoys staring at the dogs and occasionally touch them. He seems, so far anyway, not to be bothered by the stinky steam of death that comes out of their mouths.

"Yes? The boss is resting, please come back another time."

The five of us are finally together. When we're all in the same room together, that's true happiness. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

I like icing, so bring it on!

--Mickey

Off the wagon.

I was clean for almost a year, but I fell off the wagon last week. I had a weird dream about World of Warcraft (too weird and abstract to really explain) and then next morning I was downloading the game and reactivating my account. That took a bit, especially when facing Windows Vista issues when trying to apply patches. But I'm back.

Being a full time dad is tiring, but my son does sleep in good chunks so I do have some free time to kill, but due to fragmented sleep not enough concentration to actually do anything really productive. Hopefully that will change as he'll gradually sleep more through the night and so will I. So I decided to use the free time to play some WoW again.

And it feels good. Most particularly the guild chat and being able to joke around with many friends while completing repetitive yet addictive tasks. Most of my friends moved a server so I created a new character there and still wait for my main Rogue (or Puppy Love fame, see side bar) to be moved in a paid transfer. Unfortunately this is delayed due to some payments problems though I know my card is fine as I used it to reactivate the account only days ago. Weird.

It's odd considering I was sure that I was done with the game for good. Damn you Blizzard.

Gay Fathers of Toronto

In anticipation for our son's birth, I created a Facebook group for gay parents in London. With London being such a supposedly gay friendly place I expected to be flooded with new members. As of today there are only 22 members, most of them are lesbian couples with a few people who wish to become parents and those who had their children before coming out of the closet. For all I know there are no people in our situation in the group yet, a married gay couple who conceived a child using in vitro fertilization. While I'm happy to associate with any type of gay parent, it'll be nice to know people more like us. We have met only one couple so far, entirely by chance, at the clinic where our son was conceived.

Last Thursday we attended a meeting held by GFT: Gay Fathers of Toronto. It is surprising and disappointing that there's no similar organization in London. London seems to be very gay friendly when it comes to "the scene", but not so much when it comes to gay families. But that's a subject for another post.

From the website we knew more or less what to expect from the meeting. Most of the men that night (if not everyone but us) became fathers the "normal" way and only came out of the closet later. It turns out that Blake was the first baby to attend the meetings so we made a bit of local history. We tried attending since we got to Toronto, but ended up missing it again and again for various reasons. We made quite an entrance with the stroller and Blake was quite well behaved throughout the meeting as long as one of us kept moving his stroller back and forth.

I exchanged looks with my husband. We both initially thought the same thing: what are we doing here? This is not what we wanted. But as the evening went on we found ourselves joining the discussion passionately, sharing experiences from our growth during the last decade. Many of the men there were quite closeted and we had to fight the urge to grab them by the hand and pull them out of the closet. I know it's not an easy process for most people and it certainly wasn't for me all these many years ago when I was certain I'll only come out of the closet once my mother passed away.

As a teenager I was very scared and couldn't imagine my future, it was all just a blank. And here I am thirty years old, married and a parent. I have this urge to outreach other young homosexuals and show them that being gay doesn't mean they can't have a family or be happy. After the meeting on Thursday I realized that age has nothing to do with it. Homosexuals of all ages need to have that message drilled into their heads.

I really think we had a positive impact on those people and we'll be happily attending any other meetings that will be held before we return to London next month.

--Mickey

Fatherhood

My son was born seven weeks ago and now that I'm getting over the initial baby shock I'll be trying to write again.

I planned to write a lot about the experience of being a parent, but when it actually happened not was I only too tired to write, I also found the whole experience to be very personal. But I guess I can share some aspects of my new life.

I don't really recognize my life anymore. So many changes in so little time. First I left my job of over three years and now I'm in Toronto for several months away from every semblance of my former life with the sole exception of my husband who is my only constant. I especially miss my dogs so much that it hurts. We had a picture of them as the laptop's wallpaper, but it had to be changed as it became too painful to look at it.

And there's of course this little guy who needs to be taken care of full time. Since my husband still works on the phone and the computer, it means that I need be the full time mommy, a job I enjoy most of the time. I haven't had a good nigh sleep since the birth, but I got used to it by now. Overall my son is a very good baby. The long term plan is for me to kick off my freelance career again or at least use the time to write more, but with the lack of sleep I find it hard to concentrate and produce work. At least I get enough time between feedings and changing and bottle making to genuinely relax by taking extra naps, play videogames or watch TV.

A nap right now would actually be nice!

--Mickey

Waiting

We've been in Toronto for a week and a half now. We had enough time to get over the jetlag, settle in our flat and shop for food and baby stuff. We have everything now, except baby. We even visited him on the weekend and said hello to him through the surrogate's belly.

I miss my dogs so much, but other than that I'm quite happy here. The President's Choice Buffalo Hot Chicken Wings and the breaded white cheese sticks are alone worthy of immigration. It's also nice to watch American television just as soon as it airs.

Mister baby seems insistent to be born a Gemini.

Waiting...

--Mickey